What Mothers Do: especially when it looks like nothing

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The word ‘mother’ refers to a relationship. It means more than doing everyday menial tasks. Each mother creates her own relationship, or conversation, with her baby. What toxic parents allhave in common is their inability to provide their children with a safe, nurturing, and loving environment. If they are narcissistically abusive, they are without empathy and sometimes even conscience. This type of ruthless behavior has a damaging impact on our early development as well as the way we navigate the world as adults. It is common for narcissistic mothers to compete with their children, especially their own daughters. The narcissistic mother is likely to overvalue her own looks and sexual prowess. Female narcissists exhibit internalized misogyny and often view other females as competition. The daughter is thus looked upon with fury, jealousy,and envy her own offspring is viewed as a threat. I liked this a lot. There is the "mothering is the most important work" platitude, and then there is the "you should really be using your degree/you are just a SAHM/you must not be a feminist" that you get from people. And sometimes you get them from the same person. It could give one whiplash. This book is a great way to center yourself and realize what you are doing, that it is transient and necessary, and that it has value beyond the platitudes.

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The word economy comes from the Greek “oikos” which means household and from “nomos”, administration. The two come together as oikonomos, which strictly speaking means the administration of the household. Mothers are undoubtedly the greatest economists. And their work is invaluable in the support and maintenance of the household and, therefore, of society as a whole. Good mothers show up. Good mothers sometimes can’t show up. Good mothers try to make up for not showing up. Being a mum IS a full-time job, it has emerged – after a study found the average mother devotes a staggering 57 hours a week to tasks such as cooking, cleaning, washing and playing nurse to the family. The research found that typically a mum carries out 34 tasks per day, a grand total of 238 each wee k. the basic premise of the book is that mothers do all these things that we don't even really have words to express. she makes a point in the first chapter that we have a litany of words to describe the things mothers do wrong, but very few for what moms do right. the example she gives is we have the words, "negligent" and "over-protective" but no word for "protecting her child in the right amount". It’s not so much what we do or don’t do, but the love and intention behind the things we do and don’t do that matters most.To the narcissistic mother, appearances are everything. She may construct the false image of being a sweet, loving and charitable person to others all while gossiping about others, engaging in petty one-upping and abusing her children emotionally, physically or even sexually. She enjoys the social status of being a mother without doing the actual maternal work. Breastfeeding, sacrificing, loving. In addition to these three incredible things, which may seem trivial to the incredulous, but which carry a significant amount of miracle in them, good mothers do many others. I started this when my baby was a few weeks old but was too hurt doing nothing to actually read it. I related to some parts of it however but found it rather dismissive of fathers. If you tally up everything you’ve done for the day, you might think it’s been done by several people. But no, it’s all been done by a mother–the same one who turns off the light at bedtime and who welcomes you first thing the next morning with breakfast on the table. Our mothers are the foundation of our first attachment to the world. As infants, we learn by her example how to bond with others. We derive our initial sense of our self-worth from how she cares for us, nurtures us, protects and shields us from harm.

What Mothers Do: especially when it looks like nothing by What Mothers Do: especially when it looks like nothing by

A mother’s ears and eyes hear and see everything. They also have a computer-like memory for all the good (and some of the bad) that came your way. It’s nice to have someone with whom you can reminisce about your whole life. Will cook meals. Will slave over meals. Will invent meals. Will make the best meal ever only to be met with I don’t like this and then the next night when it is boxed macaroni and cheese she’ll hear that this is the best meal ever. Just let it go. I suppose when you’re five macaroni and cheese with dried powder is the best meal ever.

A woman who becomes a mother protects her little ones and learns to defend them from everything and everyone. Like any narcissist, the narcissistic mother engages in triangulation manufacturing triangles among her children and even their peers. She destructively compares her children to their peers, teaching them that they fall short in terms of looks, personality, obedient behavior, and accomplishments. She unfairly pits two or more siblings against one another, always asking, Why cant you be more like your sister or your brother? She stirs up competition, drama, and chaos. She might make one child a golden child (doting upon them excessively) while making the other a scapegoat. This form of devaluation can leave a painful imprint; it causes her children to compare themselves to others as a way to evaluate their self-worth. 3. She treats her children as extensions of her. Who would kiss your boo-boos to make it all better if she weren’t around? Mothers have the magic touch (and kiss) to help us heal our wounds, physical and emotional.

The five mother types | Psychologies

this book not only hit upon many thoughts i had been having, it hit on upon thoughts i hadn't even begun to think. it was like she looked inside me and wrote a book about everything i have felt and thought since my son was born. i have even been keeping a list of some of the passages that "speak" to me. it has chapter titles like "nothing prepares you" and "So tired i could die". In other cultures where sexuality is far more restricted, the narcissistic mother may instead attempt to stifle her daughters burgeoning sexuality and punish her for being anything less than abstinent. She may fail to provide her daughters with the proper education concerning sex and their growing bodies. 5. An obsession with the external, at the expense of her childs needs. References Bremner, J. D. (2006). Traumatic stress: effects on the brain.Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience,8(4), 445461.I understand what he means now, but it is also much worse. While there are some wonderful quotes from new mothers - more on those shortly - this book is mostly a minefield for any new mother's confidence. Stadlen slyly but constantly pushes the agenda that the only good mother is one who stays at home with her kids, all while constantly claiming that she only describes mothers' experiences and does not prescribe how to be a good mother. I don't know if my wife will stay at home like this (she hasn't decided yet), but we certainly want honest analysis to help us make a good decision, not political manipulation!

What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadlen | Hachette UK What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadlen | Hachette UK

Garrido-Rojas, L. (2006). Apego, emoción y regulación emocional. Implicaciones para la salud. Revista latinoamericana de psicología, 38(3), 493-507. https://www.redalyc.org/pdf/805/80538304.pdf Truly, our mothers worked hard and made sacrifices, so our lives would be better. There are not a lot of people willing to do that, so let her know you appreciate it. I won't go into the after school running around for last minute science projects and sporting events, musical instruments accidentally run over by the car, teaching them how to ride a bike and throw a ball (and repair a window), calming a child after a fight with a friend or first heartbreak, teaching them to drive, and busting them sneaking out in the middle of the night. Brumariu, L. E., & Kerns, K. A. (2008). Motherchild attachment and social anxiety symptoms in middle childhood. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 29(5), 393-402. doi:10.1016/j.appdev.2008.06.002

The seventh amazing thing every mom does for her kids is strive for her own self-improvement. Maybe not the improvement of her intellect, but the cultivation of her soul, her manners, her character, her reaction to the stimuli the world gives her. Mom grows to serve as an example. This is the perfect book for mothers of young babies. Reading it is like having someone give you a hug and reassure you that what you do all day is valid and important. One of the most powerful bits of the book for me was about the language used to describe mothering. The author describes the way a mother might notice something seems wrong with her baby and spend time carefully considering what might be wrong. But then she mentions her concerns to someone else and all too often they reply that she must ‘stop worrying so much’ as if she has been stupid to waste her time thinking about the concern. Because we don’t have a word to describe the kind of careful, intelligent concern a mother feels towards to her baby, the word ‘worry’ is used, which implies that her concern is pointless or unnecessary. This can leave her feeling belittled or embarrassed instead of feeling proud that she has taken such care over something that she notices affects her baby.